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I saw them watching me. Their small eyes taking in the way I was faking it. How I laughed at the jokes I didn’t hear. The way I nodded neutrally when I could not understand what someone was saying, careful not to agree or disagree just in case they were saying something controversial. The times I avoided certain people that I had trouble hearing. Or sat by myself at a party because I was afraid my hearing loss would be discovered.
My father did all these things. That is how I learned them. And now I was teaching my children the same tactics. Avoid. Deny. Hide. This had to change.
Our hearing loss is genetic, so I may have passed it onto my children. While I hope they will not develop hearing issues — it doesn’t manifest until adulthood — I didn’t want them to feel the same embarrassment and discomfort about hearing loss that my father had and I seemed to as well. I needed to stop the cycle of shame.
When I was growing up, my father’s hearing loss was an unmentionable. I don’t recall a time when he didn’t have hearing problems, but I do remember the progression from no hearing aids to one to two. And the long sideburns he wore well past the time it was in style to conceal them. He did his best to hide it at home, at work and with friends, who slowly stopped making plans with him.
Our family was not supportive. My mother sometimes muttered things behind his back to my sister and I, telling us not to worry about what she said because he couldn’t hear us. I remember thinking this was odd, but I was a young child and content enough to play whispering games with my mother if that was what she wanted. I don’t think my father heard what we were saying, but I am sure he felt the disrespect that this behavior communicated. And we were the ones who were supposed to love him.
Maybe that is why he didn’t count on us for help. He never asked us to repeat what somebody said or rearrange the seating at the dinner table to make a place where he could better hear. He didn’t teach us to look at him when we spoke to him so he could lip-read or to speak slowly and clearly. Perhaps he did not know these tricks — the ones I use in my life today to communicate with my family.
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As I lose my hear I’m noticing even my children don’t talk to me. I wear hearing aids but still can’t hear them when we’re all together. I don”t know how to handle the pronlem
This is not a good situation. Can you share with them some tips on how to communicate with you better? These might help: https://livingwithhearingloss.wordpress.com/2015/01/16/how-to-have-a-better-conversation-with-someone-with-hearing-loss/
I am hard of hearing and have been wearing two hearing aides since the age of five so I get it. My family members all have their hearing and it was best for me to keep quite at dinner time especially when going out to eat in restaurants. I sometimes dreaded those experiences because if there were no booth available we would always be seated in a open area where the background noise would come at me from all direction. I use to be teased for being so quite, and I never bothered to correct the offenders because it was best not to say anything and be polite.
Now I am older and technology has for the most part have gotten better it has made my life a little easier with the noise cancelation and being a part of the conversations more pleasant.
So glad that things have improved for you. Advocating for yourself takes courage but is so important. Thanks for sharing your story.
Shari, what a beautifully written post…so vulnerable and full of wisdom. My only wish was that She Knows had put your bio and website on their site so more people could find you. You deserve (and need) to be heard. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Thanks for your kind words on the post. Here is the bio on their site. http://www.sheknows.com/authors/shari-eberts/articles
Don’t know how I missed that…but am glad it’s there. I have passed your article on to several friends who are going through similar experiences. I am sure your words will bring them comfort.
Much appreciated!